Bits of Sweetness: These words I write

These words I write

Sometimes, we think we can do it all. 
Sometimes we feel like we could conquer the world. 
Sometimes we feel like we got it all under control.

And then, sometimes, we just... don't. 

Sometimes we realize that we can try to wear the superhero cape, and even pull it off quite well, but at the end of the day even superman has his kryptonite. Sometimes we come to a place where we have to take a good hard look at what is really important to us because our plate is too full and simply cannot hold it all. And you know what? 

That is ok. 

Shortly after writing my last post, I hit a wall I never thought I would.
I just couldn't do it all. I've never been there.
I've always been able to do everything on my plate. Sometimes it's been a challenge, but it's always been doable. Sometimes I end up way more stressed out than I would like, but it's always been doable. Sometimes though I've ended up having things that had to be done take up so much of my hypothetical plate that there was practically nothing left of me and of my time for what was really important- the ones I loved who mattered the most. Sometimes there have been so many things and to-dos that just had to be done (like, school) that all that was left was.. stress. A lot of stress. 
And.. that's where I hit the wall.  

Shortly after I wrote my last post, I had an emotional breakdown. 
I've never ever had one in my life. 
I'm not the kind of person you'd think would be there.
Nor did I ever think I would find myself at that kind of point.
But, it happened. And suddenly I was there.
Throw into that some nasty mastitis & insomnia, and I was a mess.
I honestly didn't recognize who I was. 
I didn't have thoughts of depression or ending it or anything, 
but I felt myself withdrawing from what I loved the most-my little family.
  I didn't want it to go any further. I wanted me back.

 I realized, I just could not do it all.
 I was past my limit and I knew it. 
And, something had to give. So, school it was.
Leave just wasn't going to work out, so I decided to withdraw.
Ten more weeks of classes. That is it. That's all I needed to finish the program, earn a diploma, and be able to become certified as a coder. It was probably one of the toughest decisions I've made to withdraw. It didn't so much have to do with trying to "take it all on" as much as that, having this certification would mean a job that would give us the financial stability we've never had. It would give us the money to buy a house... for doing things as a family.. things we just don't have the income for now, and would put us at a better place in life. But, I began to realize that sometimes, money is not everything. Is it really worth it to get that job if in the process, it means trading all my time, all my energy, and my stress level for that? I know that right now, taking on something like school with its 20-hour-a-week commitment for one class would also take all of me with it. There would be nothing left for my family. And... I realized.. it just is not worth it.  All the money in the world cannot replace time with family, and having your whole self- whole non-stressed self- to give to them. 
You just can't put a price tag on that.
Sometimes, the road to the "better life" is just not worth the sacrifices involved to get there. Sometimes the "better life" is right where you are at right now. Not only that, 
but sometimes, we just can't do it all alone. It's ok to ask for help. I think we worry far too much about "bugging" people, or of what they will think about us being honest, and where we are at. 
I think we underestimate the ones we love, and what they are willing to do, and how much more they would love us for being honest. Community is important. The people we love keep us where we need to be. 
I've found, it's not a good thing to try to "do it all."
And I mean, who are we kidding- there isn't some hypothetical "trophy" that will be won the more that we take on and do.

We don't become a better mama, or dad, or person, by the more that we take on. We aren't defined by what we do, but by who we are. It's easy to lose sight of that, especially in a society that places value on doing rather than being

It's good when we find ourselves in a place of needing to re-prioritize.
Hence the decision to withdraw. Up to this point, there was no option to re-enroll. It was all or nothing. And that was ok.
I still qualified for two of the medical office certifications. 
Not quite the same, but hey-it's something.

I heard back from my school earlier this week though. 
God works miracles. 
Apparently I can now withdraw and re-enroll in March.
March is like a new season in life. 
We will be past all this newborn stuff.
I will have had 6 months to regain strength, energy, 
and reduce my overall stress level. 
It's ironic how God works things out. 
Sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better.
Sometimes you have to be face-to-face with having to choose what is really important to you and what is not. 
I never would have chosen the withdrawal option,but ironically,
it gives me a six month "leave" that I never would have had if the original five week one had worked out. Gods ways are not our ways,
but his plan is always perfect!

Thank you for all your thoughts, prayers & wishes for us :)

And, as far as how I am doing now- Well. Really really well. :) 
Learning to take it slower, take on less, 
and enjoy my two little blessings even more. 



{Already teaching him about Angry Birds!}

4 comments :

  1. Love this post. So proud of you. Recognizing what u needed to do for YOU and ure fam and actually doing it is so brave. Hugs and love to you! So happy for you friend!

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  2. Oh Laura you poor thing!! I felt like I just wanted to give you a big hug whilst reading this post. You are such a strong and intelligent woman, you truly are and I admire you for everything you do. And it is ok to step back, to acknowledge where things could be better, to ask for help or time. You will get through this, and I am so glad you can pick up where you left off come March. Thanks for sharing, and never be afraid to ask for help...You have just had a baby, you are tired and exhausted and you have two little men to look after now. Life has changed again and you just need to find yourself (and you will, the first few months are the hardest) and get into a routine that works, again, this will happen. Hang in there xoxo

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  3. I'm sorry you had to go through that. I am so thankful, though, that you are realizing what is going on and doing something about it and that God has blessed you with a chance at getting back to school when you're back being not-so-stressed you. Praying for you and your family - especially for some kick-butt strength and patience!

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  4. It must have been so hard to make that decision, but so smart! I've been in that boat so many times and it's the worst feeling to be overwhelmed after taking on so much. Your family is being blessed by your putting them first, and you were so wise to stick to the decision you knew was right! You're one step ahead of most of us :) Best of luck when you return in March - I'm sure it will feel so much easier then!

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