In a melancholy mood tonight. A little bit wistful. A little bit contemplative. A little bit of so many things. How to embrace so many unknowns that are coming. So many questions that I don't know the answer to yet. I know it is just a baby, but then again it's an entirely new little person and personality to figure out how to blend into the needs of our sweet boys and my husband and myself (after all the adults still fit in there a little bit!)
With Adrian I was honestly scared and maybe a little selfishly wanting to hold onto our sweet oldest. I didn't really want change as much as I loved this little person growing inside of me already. All the unknown questions- like how could we possibly have more love and more attention to give? Some days it already felt so stretched and so thin, like there was nothing left to give. How then would we be able to have anything left for another little person? The acknowledgement that you love runs deep but then there is the reality and sometimes it just conflicts with what you think you know. I was scared that there wouldn't be an immediate bonding. And, actually there wouldn't have been anything wrong with that. Sometimes that is the reality of what does happen. I feel for women who go through pregnancy and labor and feel somehow as if they've completely utterly failed the role of being a good mother because there isn't a magical instant bond. Sometimes there isn't. Sometimes it takes time. And that is ok! Turns out, this wasn't the case, but I think I felt before birth what some women feel after, and for that I am thankful. I am thankful to feel at a deficit and loss and well... human. Sometimes we need to go through that to realize the better that awaits us and discover the community that is there that we had no idea.
This time, I'm not worried about the bonding. I am feeling a sense of great change though. I don't doubt our love can go any further because I know it somehow just grows. Your heart discovers that there is so much more depth to it than you ever knew possible, and then it happens again. It's a miracle and incredible to experience.
I think "lasts" are on my mind right now....wondering what will be the last thing we do before she comes, the last meal we share as a family of four, or the last time I go to bed for the night with a sweet babe inside. Part of me is a little melancholy about these lasts, because as hard as pregnancy is, there is a part of me that enjoys it (hello brutal newborn days with no sleep. The pregnancy days completely trump it and labor too compared to the three months post partum and how honestly brutal they are and what they take out of me. I'd take pregnancy and labor over post partum any day. Not depression here, but just physically insane.) Raising a photograph and memory to one of the lasts to enjoy, I filled up a calming lavender bath, grabbed a book I'm reading (Suzanne's Diary for Nicholas),and just appreciated one of the very likely last moments before baby girls comes. It was deliciously needed. I underestimate how far a good fifteen minutes of something like that can go. Just doing nothing but soaking in a moment. Note to self: do this more!!! Plan this more!
It's funny- I asked Josh to pick up some things that are thought to help the body get ready for labor and sometimes help it along. But then I paused taking any of it because maybe I'm not ready quite yet. If it were to happen five minutes from now, that would be completely different because it's its own timing, but to cause it. I guess I lingered a little in where we are now, not wanting to rush into what lies next.
I don't have fears about these next few weeks and know some days will be hard, some will hold wonderful moments, there won't be any sleeping for me for a few weeks, there will likely be tears, and trying to figure out what sometimes there is no solution for but to take a few more of those lavender tub moments (even in just a minute at a time), realizing that it's ok to absolutely not have anything together right now, but a part of me wants to linger in the right now, in the calm before the change. I guess I'm stuck in the beauty and wonder and awe and mystery of both now and the unknown of what lies after birth.
I'm looking forward to birth as crazy as that sounds. Not looking forward to it in the sense of "oh please, give me pain! Sign me right up! I can't get enough!" but more looking forward to that incredible moment after all the work and focus and tears and pain- holding her in our arms for the first time. (Which, silly side note- I do have a boy outfit packed because I swear I saw something in the second ultrasound. The tech was pretty sure but oh hey, on the 5% chance that I just happen to be right, we will be set ;-) ) I can't help but tear up at the songs I'm putting together for the playlist because each hold so much meaning but more than that, I think of the moments I'm wanting to play the songs in and how much depth and emotion there will be to each moment. I'm going to be a sentimental emotional mess, but that is ok. It's all worth it!
And, a couple maternity pictures, because I want to get these up before we have a special announcement waiting! My dear friend Shae, who also owns a photography business, (check it out here!) took these Saturday night. We barely squeezed them in this pregnancy but I am so glad we did. It was a complete change of plans from what I'd had in mind, but I think sometimes change can end up being better than what we thought we wanted :) (especially when your first plans involved a dock but reality had a toddler in a mood that would have had things-or himself- thrown off the dock! On second thought..) Try not to soak in the sunshine. It was pretty glorious.